Okay, so that "Buddhist" guy who I reamed a new one the other day? Despite my assertions that he not contact me anymore he wrote me a letter through MySpace. I rolled my eyes and deleted it. As I was blocking him I realized that his profile is Turdzilla.

For those of you understandably unfamiliar with "Turdzilla", he's the guy who got kicked out of GWAR and decided to start his own band, Turdzilla, in which he waddles around in a giant foam rubber suit shaped like a piece of poo (complete with over-sized corn and peanuts embedded in it). I had never heard of him until he wrote me on MySpace (three years ago) and asked me to be one of his "nurse dancers". For something less than 50 bucks a night I would escort him onto the stage (apparently a huge foam rubber shit suit is hard to move around in!) and then dance in a sexy nurse costume on stage for the rest of the show. He stated that I'd have to "interact" with him during some songs. When I pressed for details of the "interaction" he told me that it "could be as mild or wild as you want!" [copied from the original email]

In the end, I decided that the humiliation of being an escort to a seven foot tall piece of rubber poo (and of such acts inevitably being taped and ending up on the internet and in promotional material) would not trump the nightly 50$ and I told him I wasn't comfortable with his project at that time and would let him know if things were to change. Another factor in my decision was that a man kicked out of a band whose acronym stands for, "God What Awful Racket" makes certifiably terrible music....which I didn't want to listen to every night.

So. To sum. The man who [presumably] makes his living parading around in a seven foot poo suit thinks that what I'm doing has "fuked" me up, is mad that I've done "porn" and thinks that I can solve everything by becoming a Buddhist like him.

I'll give you a second to let that sink in.

...

Also in this crop of emails were a few from a "tiny dicked toilet slave" in which he offers me an all expense paid summer in his Italian villa in exchange for "experimenting" on him whilst he waits on me hand and foot. Of course, included in this would be his toilet slavery, which means that he is rewarded for good behavior by being allowed to eat everything that comes out of my rear end. Preferably direct from the source.

Yes. I had to google it to learn what he meant. Even afraid that I knew from the mere words themselves what a "toilet slave" does I still required mind bleach when the results came up. Reactions; Ew dude. Not healthy. How does one even take it "direct from the source? Wouldn't your breath like, permanently stink? and. There is a reason, "eat shit" is an insult.

In one of his letters he goes on in graphic detail about how he imagines my excrement. While it's nice having someone appreciate me so much that even my droppings are, "ambrosial" I don't think even a free summer in Amalfi could balance out having to poop in someone's mouth.

Today's email sponsored by the word, "Poop"